i am a FAILURE..

I feel like a total failure. I thought I was the happiest bride,it turns out diff. I'm torn,shattered. I love my son, i'll love him even if he's not with me. I'll work hard and fight for him, God help me to get a job soon and give me the strength to stay strong. I dunnoe hw long more I can take this stress, I no longer hope to come hm to face anyone but my son. He's my only joy & worry nw.
Blamed for the things i've not done, i love my mum althought she said mean things abt me. It pains me to see her cry still. I need a break from everything, i might just become a nut.

Family, what does it mean to you? I've no1 but myself, its sad to say after living for 25yrs tt I'm actually all alone. Maybe thats what God has planned for me. Who am i? I'm just an insignificant person who everyone hates. I tried, tried to make pple around me happy. Sometimes i wish to just end it all, once and for all. I'm only a human, i've got a heart and feelings too.
God please show me the light, i really need you nw.

-=Graduation=-

Finally Graduation is over after almost half a yr of wait. It wasnt as fantastic as i though, the ceremony. The ''Hungry Ghost'' (parents of Grads) were stoving as much food as possible onto their plates & mouth. I was utterly ashame & disguisted by them, even the fathers are so horrible. Paying only for the ticket of 2, students brought their whole clan to wipe out the buffet! I'm glad my mum & husband isnt the same.

I'm g0nna return my gown & stuff today, 1week after the ceremony. Time really flies. Love bought a pair of really expensive ear rings for me, I'm so touched & i love them!! We were @ nearby island with good company over the weekend & I'm glad we enjoyed ourselves. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that Love & I will be always this loving and that our lil family will be a forever happy one. I'm lo0king 4ward to our nx trip which will b coming soon. weeeeeeeeeeeee

Thanks for everything love, I know U're doing ur best.

-=See no evil, hear no evil, feel no evil=-

Today is a huge turning point in my life. I've learnt that I can only count on myself, I must stay strong & sane. I've been acting alil insane I think, I'm going to enjoy my life & not to be so sensative on things or rather just let things go with e flow. I've learnt tt expectations can be harmful,or lets say expectations from pple. I'll just set expectations 4 myself nw. My goal now is to get bk to my weight be4 preg. That's my goal & i expect myself to loss about 10kg in 2months. There after I'm going to get a job and enjoy some time with the babes. I really miss e good old times with them. There were lesser worries, at least much lesser than now.
I maybe stubborn but peopla around me are not much better. Setting my piorities right, I'll try not to be envious of th0se loving couples. I'll dream about being in one loving marriage tonight & every other night since reality isnt tis way.
Secrets will be kept deep within myself for now, lessons learnt everyday.
I have to stay strong, DO NOT RELY ON ANYONE.

-=Unappericated=-

I'm pissed off, bored & overweight. I've been stuck @ hm since June, i'm bored. I've been wanting to go on a holiday but I keep thinking that the money shld be spent on e baby instead. Now i really want to go on a holiday!! I've not even g0ne f0r my honeymoon & my husband doesn't even b0ther. All he cares about is hving to save the money for the baby. Come on, I didnt give birth 2 my boy to end up this way, having n0thing for myself.
I'm pissed off that he spends so much time on the psp that he doesnt even bother planning for our 1st year anni. It seems like nothing to him, it doesnt matter, all these dates doesnt matter. 1st it was bad planning for my birthday and now, no planning for our wedding anni. I've to keep asking n searching around for somewhere to go or something special to do,wtf i'm sick of doing it everytime. This is just e 1st yr of our marriage, I wonder hw e rest of e years will be like. If he's going to continue this way, I'm not gonna bother either. It feels as if I've wasted my life & i've lots of regrets. Is this my marriage or our marriage? Whats marriage? To me now it just means routine and been unappericated.

-=M0r0ns=-

TGIF. Mr Teo will be back from Shanghai t0day. It'll be midnight by then. He could be much earlier but some freaking Cols just cant get their act t0gether properly causing him to miss the earlier flight & nearly missing the one he is on now.

I'm disappointed in the way tis Co. do their things, they are no where near the previous Co. Well, s0metimes changes might not be positive. Lets hope things get better if not i'll hope a new n better opp will appear soon *finger's cross*

Lil Raph is getting more n more aborable as the days go by. He loves it when pple talks to him, his smile is priceless. When our country cel her b'day, he'll be 2months old =)

-=25 ALREADY=-

I'm offically 25. Wow, it feels weird tt I'm so old n its scary hw time flies when we hit e 20's. I cant think of e 30's or more. I'm glad tt i've still gt several gd friends @ tis age, hopefully they wun be too caught up with their 0wn family in future .

I was kinda disappointed with Mr Teo for my b'day, i felt tt it wasn't planned properly & stuff. He managed 2 savage it with a lil surprise luckily n the b'day gift was really costly. I'm looking forward to our 1yr wedding anni in e nx month, hopefully he'll give me a wonderful surprise.
Time to go now.

-=that naUghty fella=-

Its been ages since i've last written, been really caught up with lil Raph. Its a really tough job looking after babies, so those wh0 are thinking of starting a family, please make sure U're metally n physically prepared. There were some unhappy moments n some misunderstandings, its tiring. I pray that tt lil Raph will b gd & grow up quickly.

Daddy dearest is out of t0wn & I really hate tt its during e weekends, What an awful arrangement. I'll be starting my keeping fit routine & hopefully I'll get bk to shape asap. I want to b a pretty mum, @ my age if i don't i'll b nuts =p Jogging n Swimming!!

That's my lil naughty one.

-=Little Bundle of Joy=-

Delivered my little bundle of joy for over a week, he's such a cutie. Sometimes i still cant accept the fact tt I'm a Mummy now. I realised hw much my mum went through for the 10months, the delivery & e after effects. Its just the start of a new path & i'm scared but i know god is with me & my family. Love has been really sweet, cheering me up when i felt overwhelm by tons of exhaustion. I'm lucky to hv my family & my mum-in-law to help with my confinement, i will not be able to get through this period w/o them. Feeling rather helpless nw, i'm trying to replenish my nutrients & get my health back i can hardly eat. I crave for a cup of COLD COLD FIZZIE drink, Coke or whatever but i know its impossible nw. Drinking PLAIN water is a luxury nw, i nv imgine its this tough.

I also want to thank my friends for their support & concern, its great to know that i'm in their thoughts. Joanne visited me today, our conversation lasted for abt 2hrs & i'm shocked to realise hw drained i was after just sitting there talking to her. Finally realised hw weak i'm nw. I must get back my health asap!! and of coz i hope 1 month flies pass soon. COKE here i come!!!

-=Counting Down - 1Month 10days=-

Just a quick update before i get busy with other stuff. Its only 1month & 10days left!! It feels pretty stressful at times as i don't know what to expect & there'll be a sudden rush of emotions. I hope tt Love will be very supportive. Him embarking on his next stage of career is tough, pray tt things will be smooth sailing. My aches are getting worst & i get exhausted & feel the warm weather a killer. I guess I'll not be able to go out often as of now, its tiring =p

Looking forward to the day our little one arrives.
God Bless.

-=aching all over=-

Its almost 7months nw, I'm aching all over but it'll be worth it when i see his cute cheeks in 3months time =) Love & I've decided on his name as well as some other stuff. I'm kinda anxious & scared.
LOve is embarking on another stage of life be4 our lil one arrives & i hope all goes well.
God Bless Us.

-=What a Coward=-

What is the world coming to? Why is it tt some1 who is so irresponsible & cowardly not have to pay for his sins!? If there's nothing tt can be done to him by law, God will definately do the job! Our world is becoming dangerous to live in, just when i though i am living in a safe country. Totally detest that bloody coward, yes I'm cursing him & so are many out there.
May our curse come true, SERIOUSLY!!
Please stop coming into our country if ur pple are cowards & U cannot do anything about it. Arghhhhh, reading about the incident really makes my blood boil.

U out there will get what U deserve!!

-=valentines??so what??=-

Life is so boring, its even worst when u've got things u wanna do but u cant do it now. CNY is coming but so what? I cant even feel the atmosphere anymore, i feel tt my life is getting monotonous, Valentine's day is coming so what? Its the this t0gether so what? no plans, no flowers nothing romantic, flowers only happen when a couple dates! Is that what's g0nna happen after a couple gets married?? Or am i expecting too much? I was very excited as it'll be the 1st v-day together but now i think its better i put that though off my mind.
I want to watch the t00th-fairy & other girlie shows but it will seem like a bore to the other party. I want to go out for supper & hv yummy deserts but it all seems like a dream now, I only stay @ hm to rot. Morning, evening & night, how can i be happy?
A joke or a song only happens when i asked for it, whats happening?? counting down, to june... hope things can last till then.

-=Happy Marriage=-

Thanks for all the well wishes everyone, its really heartfelt. This part of my life journey has just started, i pray that God will continue to lead me the way. I know that things will not be easy but I'll try, there're things tt I cannot mention here but i hope everyone will be happy.
I'll constantly remind myself & tell my self tt i am a happy woman..
I must be constantly happy. .
stay happy..
dont cry..
dont fear..
God will make a way for me.

Amen.

-=a Quick one=-

2009 is coming to an end, its ending for me on a happy note. Things hv been going on fine since e last quarrel, thank god. Christmas was simple but heart-warming, picnic & a late night movie with love. Counting d0wn 1 m0re month to the wedding, there're still things not comfirm yet but everything is going on course. The new drive is nice, i am glad i settled for it rather than the RX8. Hopefully everything goes well for everyone in 2010, btw thanks darren for ur comments =) hws aussie treating u? haha come bk soon.

-=A last w0rd be4 i close my world to you 4ever=-

Marriage what does it symbolise to one? Living together is difficult, how i envy others when i see them so loving. This is my last cry out to him before i ignore this marriage forever. Everyone has their bad points, I'm changing my bad points slowly but steady can you see & feel it in your heart? As a woman, I do have certain things tt i'm extremely sensative about & you know it. Why do you always have to speak to me in such a rude manner? Do you see me doing that to you anymore? Let's respect each other if you want this marriage to work, i'm ur life partner not your ememy. Don't you see my siding you always? What issit that you want from me now? Do you want me to share my life with you or would you rather I keep all my insecurities & unhappiness to myself?? Tears flow & my heartaches everytime you raise your voice @ me when i just ask simple questions to clear my doubts. Are you still willing to share my unhappiness & not just my joy with me? Am i asking for to much just for us to speak nicely to each other? Worklife is tough but I'm most willing to join hands to take away part of our finanical burdens, don't show me a black face or throw your temper @ me after work. I'm human too, i hope you'll have more patience for me because going through what i'm going through now is not easy. If things are so difficult for you maybe separation will do us some goodness. Don't make me hate you or loss my faith in you just months into our marriage, our happy times together is fading just like ur patience for me n my faith in you,pls do something before its too late. I still love you as of now, please dont take me for granted anymore.

torned.

-=Low point in life shows th0se wh0 are worthy=-

Feeling all alone & upset now,e one i thought i cld trust wasn't there. Screaming n hurling insults tt I felt tt everything in life was easy. WOW, i cldnt believe my ears...I'm more em0 now due to certain reasons & i suddenly felt alone. In this world there's no1 to fend 4 u except urself even though u might b in ur weakess. A holiday tt isnt wat it turned out to be & a marriage tt isnt e way it shld be.

I've lost the touch tt i used to get from my love. It seems tt e love is gone or lost somewhere, like i said the most wonder thing in life cannot b seem it must be felt in e heart. Having all e money in e world or drivng a very posh car doesnt make one happy, its the happiness tt one gets from the other. I used to think tt if i m ever in need or trouble he'll always be there but i was proven wrong, imagine having to ask to be more cared for @ my weakess. Worthless begger it seems, hw i miss my mum now & she wld be here to wipe my tears away frm me. She'll not scream & hurl @ me in e state i am in currently.

Have 4gotten Why i g0t married in e 1st place, where is e love? But since e fact is tt i am married, i shall bear with it for this life n be that worthless person. I hope my fake smiles can last for this whole marriage, life is meaningless now & there's definately nothing to look forward to. I'll learn to take the money & fake the smiles, its only here that i can show my true feelings now & maybe to my true friend.

Christmas will be a sad one from now onwards. MY Life, its e end. Regretting is too late now. hope god takes me away soon.

-=Seoul in 2 m0re days=-

Its freezing cold in tokyo and I'll be heading to Seoul in 2 more days. MuM says tt e temp is -4degrees!!Arghhh, i'm having a cold feet thinking of it alrdy but its g0nna be a white christmas there!! So cool, but love is not able to join in. Hopefully, it'll really be like a shopping heaven there..i need to get more accessories for my wedding and mask to keep my looking radiant hehe.
Hopefully, love will miss me tons when I'm in Seoul shopping =) I'll be much happier after this Shopping spree trip i guess, i've not been able to get anything tt i like here in Tokyo & its damn irritaing, i wanna go shopping & end up with shopping bags!!
Looking 4ward to the meet ups withs uni,pri,poly and sec sch friends in Dec...christmas spirit gets all of us t0gether,hw i love it!! I wonder what i'm g0nna get for my christmas present, its seems tt there's n0thing in my list now except for the arrival of the new car =) i want more holidays. I want to go to new caledonia!!

-=Back in Japan=-

Back in Japan for the last time this yr or probably the 2nd last time alrdy. Too much of anything is not very good, thinking of having Ramen now turns me a lil off haha..even when i was bk @ SG for my exams i kept far far away frm any Jap related f0od!!!

This will be probably be 1 of e most fulfilling trips as i'll be travelling to Hokkiad0, Osaka, kobe..etc and Seoul with my sec sch friends as well. I'm kinda of excited abt it alrdy, love n my lil trip will start early tml. It'll be said tt i'm too proud if i say i'm say tt I'm sick of taking planes, but its really kinda tiring (o.O) Hopefully its not too c0lddddddd n freezing in Hokkiadooo *fingers crossed*

After all the holiday it'll be a busy busy period for me, we've decided to hold our wedding dinner in Jan. Heheheehe....to be continued.

-=Sickening Sick=-

Tskk tskk, I've have been stuck @ hm since Sunday evening when I got bk from Tokyo. I'm d0wn with Stomach Ulcer & its horrible!! I kept me awake @ night due 2 e pain, I've only been feeding on plain porridge till thurs. Dear God pls let me recover s0 tt I can concentrate on my 1st paper nx week.
I've been left at hm with my silky,money everyday. Even when I need to get something @ plaza I can't mk it there.arghhhh...Its due to my incorrect eating style & e things i've eaten in e past few days. I'll promise to eat healthy & on time from now onwards. It really hurts, oUch! whats worst is tt love is not even here to tk care of me, WTH it sucks!

-=RIP Dearest Olympus=-

Haven't blogged for awhile & I'm g0ing t0 mk this a quick one..RIP my dearest Olympus!! Its dead due to my clumsiness yesterday @ Mt Fuji =( Fell to its death while I hurried Mr Teo t0 tk a photo of me with some signb0ard be4 we b0ard e tour bus. Tskk tskkk..Gone with the old & in comes e new haha. I want a new camera & a very go0d one to take d0wn all e w0nderful pictures everywhere i g0 with anyone!! Hopefully Mr Teo gets my hint of a very go0d camera =) Price shouldnt be much of a issue for great pics taken day & night right?hehe. The Olympus was alright but its night sh0ts really sucks & f0r pple wh0 luv travelling getting a tripod is DAMN NECESSARY!! In places like Japan here are idiot around too, wanting to spoil ur happiness by rejecting request to help with photographing!!! Shall not go more into that. 

Cheers